The Dead Hand in Ocarina of Time: Nightmares for Everyone!

As I've said many times, the Zelda games contain many horrors that make you question if they should be played by kids.  Every once in a while this series will contain a monster that is so grotesque and disturbing that it looks like it belongs in a Resident Evil game.  Today we're going to look at one such monster: a boss from The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time called the Dead Hand.

Immediately you'll notice that the Dead Hand is not a very pleasant creature to look at.  It looks like a blob of fat encased in pale white corpse-like skin, covered with patches of blood for good measure.  It has two stubby arms with apparently no hands attached (you'd think that would contradict its name, but just wait and see), and a hunchbacked posture. 

Because no monstrosity would be complete without a horrific face, the Dead Hand has a large head with a set of gigantic teeth.  Looking back at it, he kind of looks similar to the Joker in the Batman animated series.

Now the reason this beast is called the Dead Hand is because it commands a group of hands which protrude out of the ground.  If you make the mistake of getting too close to one of these hands, they will grab Link by the head and hold him there while the Dead Hand moves in for the attack.  Needless to say it's a horrifying feeling to watch this monster creep over to poor helpless Link and take a bit out of him with those huge teeth.

Hello nightmare material.

In order to take down the Dead Hand, you must hit him in the face with Link's sword.  This can be tricky since it tends to hold its face high in the air (taking it out of range of the sword) until it gets close enough to bite Link.  If you can manage this technique without getting caught too many times by the hands, you'll be rewarded with an end to this current nightmare, and a whole set of disturbing memories of this monster.

What did you guys think of the Dead Hand?  Do you think Nintendo went a bit too far by putting this disgusting monster into the game?

The Evil Moon in Majora's Mask

Usually when you think of a full moon, what comes to mind are werewolves, or people going crazy and doing stupid things.  But what happens when the scary thing isn't caused by the moon, but is actually the moon itself?  What we get is the ever-present threat from The Legend of Zelda: Majora's Mask, the moon.

First of all, any moon with a face on it is bound to look creepy, but the monstrous face on the Majora's Mask moon looks like it was custom made to enter your nightmares.

Anyway, for the uninitiated, the moon in this game started off as a harmless lunar body orbiting at a safe distance above Termina (the alternate reality version of Hyrule field).  Things were changed when a skull kid (yes that's what he's called) wielding the powerful and mysterious Majora's Mask makes the decision to bring down the moon and destroy Termina.

You can all thank this guy for trying to pass off mass destruction as a prank.

Presumably at this point, the moon somehow grew a screwed up face as it prepared to descend towards the planet.  Either that or the moon already was orbiting the planet with its face of horror; possibly it's the former explanation since the moon is being possessed by Majora's Mask.

The slowly falling moon takes center stage in Majora's Mask, where Link has three days to reverse the wickedness of the skull kid before the moon smashes into Termina.  A nice touch is that the moon is actually falling in real-time, and as the hours go by you'll notice it getting ever larger as it descends upon Clock Town (the central town in the game).  If you happen to use up all three days without saving the world, you'll be presented with a cutscene of the moon causing Armageddon.

The future isn't looking too bright.

Towards the end of the game, when Link has his final showdown with the evil powers contained in Majora's Mask, he will actually enter the moon.  Somehow the inside of the moon contains an endless grassy field with a single tree at the center of it all.  It makes no sense whatsoever, but then again all the logic in the game has pretty much fallen apart at this point, so we just have to accept it.

Apparently the moon even has its own sun orbiting around inside it.

And that wraps up pretty much everything about the evil possessed moon in Majora's Mask.  It's huge, it's scary-looking, and it wants to consume an entire planet.  Compared to this, our moon seems rather dull in comparison, don't you think?

The Ghostly Poes in Zelda: Ocarina of Time

What's Halloween without a good ghost story?  Well how about this: once upon a time in the land of Hyrule, a hero named Link encountered many ghosts on his journeys.  The ghosts are called Poes, and in this article we'll be looking at their appearances in The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time.

In Ocarina of Time, you will encounter Poes all over Hyrule, but their main haunt is the Kakariko Village graveyard.  If Link is foolish enough to start disturbing the graves by pulling back their headstones, Poes will appear and begin patrolling the graveyard.  These ghosts are all pretty similar in appearance, wearing a hood which hides all facial features except for their glowing eyes, and carrying a lantern.

Expect to find a large concentration of ghosts here.

Poes will attack Link by charging at him while spinning their lantern around.  Trying to lock on to most Poes will cause them to go invisible, eliminating any easy slingshot/bow-and-arrow attacks.  Successfully defeating these ghosts will allow you to capture their spirit, which you can then drink (gross), or sell to a Poe collector.

There are various special Poes found throughout the game, such as Big Poes who appear at specific locations in Hyrule field, which fetch a high price at the Poe Collector.  Another example are four special Poes found in the Forest Temple, which must be defeated in order to advance to the temple's boss.

A Big Poe eludes capture.

While not very scary, these ghosts add a little bit of darkness to Ocarina of Time, and they are for the most part well-placed in areas of Hyrule that should be haunted (the land does have a bloody history after all).

Annoying Sidekicks That Make You Want to Go Solo

Sometimes, even the mightiest of game characters need someone or something to provide assistance.  When done properly, a sidekick for the main character can be a valuable asset, providing hints or new abilities that wouldn't be available otherwise.  Sometimes a good sidekick can be there mainly to provide observations that help to pull you into the story, such as in the Halo games when Cortana provides the Master Chief with updates about the Covenant's whereabouts and current actions.

However, there are game developers out there who want to ruin our fun by providing annoying and sometimes worthless sidekicks that rarely do more than get on our nerves.  Here are some of the offending characters that you may have had the misfortune of putting up with.

Ashley from Resident Evil 4

Leon help! Help me! Leon!! Help!

The low point of Resident Evil 4 is when you rescue Ashley, because from then on the game pretty much becomes one giant escort mission.  Ashley has absolutely no way to defend herself, which results in her constantly crying for you to help her.  This is a huge inconvenience while you are trying to defend yourself from hordes of almost-zombie villagers.  Worse still, she has her own life bar, so if you decide to let her fend for herself you'll be greeted with plenty of game over screens.  I suspect that only Ico is a game that involves more hand holding than this Resident Evil game.

Roman from Grand Theft Auto IV

Cousin! Let us go bowling, again.

Ok so technically Roman isn't your sidekick in GTA IV, but you end up driving him around the city so much that he might as well be.  Roman is the cousin of the main character Niko, and enjoys spending time with him, which means that he often gives Niko a call and asks that they hang out.  This wouldn't be a problem if the phone calls were few and far between, but no, it seems like every five minutes you are receiving a call from Roman to go bowling, play darts, or hit up the strip clubs.  And you always have to drive over to pick up Roman within a time limit, or else he feels that you snubbed him, and your friendship rating nosedives.  There's nothing more annoying than having to drive all the way across Liberty City to pick this guy up and take him to a bar for the 100th time in the game.

Navi from The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time

This is probably the most annoying character in all the Zelda games, a fairy who won't shut up.  Navi is your constant companion throughout the entire game, and can be very helpful by telling you the weaknesses of enemies, and hinting at which area you should visit next in order to make progress in the storyline.  However, when she wants you to advance further in the game, she constantly lets you know about it, driving both you and Link insane with cries of "Hey! Hey! Listen!!"  As all Zelda fans can tell you, it's a very unpleasant experience to have a fairy screaming in your ear every couple of minutes while you are trying to travel Hyrule field to complete side-quests.

The Many Odd Choices for Protagonists

When playing video games, we all like to play as interesting characters, from the mighty Link to the Jedi and Sith of the Knights of the Old Republic games.  Seeing as how we'll be stuck playing as these characters for the 10-30+ hours it usually takes to complete a game, we'd like the characters to be somewhat likeable.

Fortunately a majority of the games I have played have included protagonists that I found thoroughly enjoyable.  However, as with everything in life, there have been some serious mistakes made by game developers when choosing a main protagonist for their games.  What follows are a few protagonists that I think should never have been allowed to make it past the drawing board.

Lester, from Lester the Unlikely

I actually didn't even know this game existed until watching the Angry Video Game Nerd's review.  Lester is indeed an unlikely hero, basically just a geeky, cowardly teenager with no heroic qualities whatsoever.  Whenever he encounters an enemy, Lester will spin around and run for his life.  What crowd was this game supposed to be marketed to?  Nobody plays video games so they may be placed into the shoes of a sniveling coward with an embarrassing walk cycle (really, you have to see it to believe it).  That would be like making a Bully game where you play as the kids who get their asses kicked by Jimmy on a daily basis.

Shaq, from Shaq Fu

Don't get me wrong, I love playing as Shaq in NBA games, but I completely disliked a Kung Fu-fighting Shaq.  Maybe I'm just bitter because this game was utter garbage, with bad collision detection and impossible-to-execute combos.  But a really bad design choice is that you barely notice you are playing as Shaq, it just feels like some cookie-cutter angry 7' tall guy.  If the developers had even tried to incorporate some of Shaq's unique personality, Shaq Fu could have been a very funny experience and I might have been able to put up with the severe game play flaws.

The Rookie, from Halo 3: ODST

I'm probably digging myself into a deep hole by including The Rookie on this list, but hear me out first!  It seems like Bungie was trying too hard to make a "Master Chief Jr." when designing this character.  This game could have been Bungie's chance to introduce a completely new character with an entirely different personality and style than the no-nonsense Chief (which they sort of succeeded in with the inclusion of other playable troopers).  Instead we get a completely silent character with no personality at all, who adds nothing to the Halo universe.  I call him Master Chief Jr. because he looks and controls just like the Chief, but since he isn't a Spartan, we don't get any of the signature daring stunts (as well as the signature in-game respect from your fellow Marines) that make the Master Chief so awesome.

Honorable Mention:  Tidus from Final Fantasy X

I ranted about this annoying brat earlier, so as a result he receives an honorable mention.