Count Batula: Conker the Squirrel Meets Dracula

It seems I can't stop talking about Conker's Bad Fur Day.  The game contains such a diverse set of parodies that you can't help but find one or two levels that you will remember forever.  Seeing as this is the month of October, let's take a look at the chapter of the game called Spooky, and its main antagonist: Count Batula.

Well, Grabbed by the Ghoulies had a vampire chicken, so why not a vampire squirrel in Bad Fur Day?

The chapter starts off with Conker taking a nighttime stroll and encountering Gregg the Grim Reaper.  There's a brief conversation involving zombies, which Gregg hates worse than cats because they are undead, apparently some kind of insult due to his job occupation as a reaper.  Gregg then gives Conker a shotgun and directs him to a zombie-filled graveyard, motivating the ever-greedy Conker by telling him he has a rich relative in the area (he neglected to say anything about that relative being a vampire though).

Yet another game with zombies in it.

After battling through the graveyard, Conker approaches a spooky mansion sitting in solitude at the top of a hill.  This is none other than the lair of Count Batula, where the Dracula parodies are in abundance.  Once Conker enters the mansion, we see Batula for the first time, slowly descending the grand staircase while welcoming Conker (and creeping him out a bit).  Batula has the stereotypical Dracula voice, complete with pronouncing his W's as V's ("Velcome to my house").  Conker humorously takes a couple cheap shots at the vampire's appearance, even sarcastically complimenting him on his hairstyle.  Despite this, Batula invites Conker in for dinner, giving him a tour of the mansion on the way.

While Conker is enjoying his dinner of chicken and wine (which allowed the game to use the famous "I don't drink....wine" line from Dracula films), Batula tells Conker how long he has lived in the mansion (around 300 years), causing Conker to get even more suspicious of this character.  The conversation is cut short by an unexpected attack on the mansion by the nearby villagers.  It is at this point that Batula reveals that he planned to kill Conker and drink his blood, but due to the circumstances he now needs Conker's help.

Batula proceeds to bite Conker, which turns him into a vampire bat.  As Bat-Conker, you get to fly throughout the various rooms in the mansion, picking up the attacking villagers one-by-one (after stunning them by dumping bat-droppings on them), and taking them to Batula's feeding room.  It is here that Bat-Conker has to drop the villagers into a gigantic meat grinder, which processes the villagers and dispenses the blood into an eager Batula.

Bat-Conker prepares to slaughter some villagers.

Batula happens to be hanging right over the meat grinder, and the more villagers he is fed, the fatter he gets.  When he's fed too much blood, his weight overcomes the strength of his perch, and Batula drops into the grinder, putting an end to one of the best parody characters in the game.

So what did you guys think of this chapter of Bad Fur Day?  Did you enjoy the Dracula parody?

The Dead Hand in Ocarina of Time: Nightmares for Everyone!

As I've said many times, the Zelda games contain many horrors that make you question if they should be played by kids.  Every once in a while this series will contain a monster that is so grotesque and disturbing that it looks like it belongs in a Resident Evil game.  Today we're going to look at one such monster: a boss from The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time called the Dead Hand.

Immediately you'll notice that the Dead Hand is not a very pleasant creature to look at.  It looks like a blob of fat encased in pale white corpse-like skin, covered with patches of blood for good measure.  It has two stubby arms with apparently no hands attached (you'd think that would contradict its name, but just wait and see), and a hunchbacked posture. 

Because no monstrosity would be complete without a horrific face, the Dead Hand has a large head with a set of gigantic teeth.  Looking back at it, he kind of looks similar to the Joker in the Batman animated series.

Now the reason this beast is called the Dead Hand is because it commands a group of hands which protrude out of the ground.  If you make the mistake of getting too close to one of these hands, they will grab Link by the head and hold him there while the Dead Hand moves in for the attack.  Needless to say it's a horrifying feeling to watch this monster creep over to poor helpless Link and take a bit out of him with those huge teeth.

Hello nightmare material.

In order to take down the Dead Hand, you must hit him in the face with Link's sword.  This can be tricky since it tends to hold its face high in the air (taking it out of range of the sword) until it gets close enough to bite Link.  If you can manage this technique without getting caught too many times by the hands, you'll be rewarded with an end to this current nightmare, and a whole set of disturbing memories of this monster.

What did you guys think of the Dead Hand?  Do you think Nintendo went a bit too far by putting this disgusting monster into the game?

Creepy Castle in Donkey Kong 64

Donkey Kong 64: You either love it or hate it.  Some people love it for the large levels that allow for tons of platforming action, some hate it because of the repetitive objectives and mini-games on each level.  Whatever you feel about this game, you have to admit that it does have some pretty stylish levels.  Today we're going to look at one of the last levels in the game: Creepy Castle.

As you've already deduced from the name, Creepy Castle takes place on a massive castle.  The game sets a nice spooky mood as soon as you arrive here; you start outside the castle at nighttime, during a thunderstorm.  Seeing flickers of lightning while rain pours down on you constantly is definitely a nice touch.  A bonus is the extremely catchy song that plays when you are outside the castle, which in my opinion is some of the best music in the game.

You can climb your way up to the top of the castle by walking on various pathways and drawbridges that spiral up the exterior walls.  As you venture forth, you'll pass by appropriate scenery such as clusters of headstones and skeleton-like dead trees.  The enemies you encounter are also fitting, and in true Rare style, they are somewhat goofy.  You'll see bats, giant skeletons, and Kremlins wearing white sheets pretending to be ghosts.

Along the way there are multiple entrances into the castle, taking you into areas such as the catacombs, a haunted library, and even a large ballroom (Disney Haunted Mansion fans rejoice!).  Pretty much every area you can visit feels like it could belong in a huge haunted castle, with the exception of one segment where you go inside a not-very-spooky greenhouse.

A view of the ballroom.

It just wouldn't be Donkey Kong without some minecart action (unless we're talking about the original arcade version of Donkey Kong), and this level does not disappoint.  There is a segment where Donkey Kong must navigate a minecart through a large section of the castle, while being pursued by the demon who lives there.  At some points you'll be dodging the growling demon as he takes swipes at the minecart, while at other sections you'll have to avoid random headstones that pop up in your path.  Needless to say this is a very exciting section of the level, and my personal favorite part of Creepy Castle.

Awesome.

Unfortunately the level ends on a sour note: the boss battle is absolutely terrible.  Throughout the game, you'll find yourself fighting monstrous bosses, such as a giant dragonfly (who is more dragon than fly) and an evil, cackling jack-in-the-box.  So by the time you reach Creepy Castle you'll have high expectations, which are abruptly shattered.  The boss for this level is a gigantic plywood cutout of King K. Rool.

The lame boss battle will have you disappointed from the get-go.

I kid you not, the boss fight involves the cutout of K. Rool popping up at various locations on the edge of the battle area and occasionally shooting lasers at you.  I have no idea what convinced Rare to go this lazy route instead of designing a truly awesome and scary boss monster for the one level that deserved it.

That about wraps up our look at Creepy Castle in Donkey Kong 64.  Did you guys play DK64?  If so, did you enjoy the atmosphere of this level?

The Evil Moon in Majora's Mask

Usually when you think of a full moon, what comes to mind are werewolves, or people going crazy and doing stupid things.  But what happens when the scary thing isn't caused by the moon, but is actually the moon itself?  What we get is the ever-present threat from The Legend of Zelda: Majora's Mask, the moon.

First of all, any moon with a face on it is bound to look creepy, but the monstrous face on the Majora's Mask moon looks like it was custom made to enter your nightmares.

Anyway, for the uninitiated, the moon in this game started off as a harmless lunar body orbiting at a safe distance above Termina (the alternate reality version of Hyrule field).  Things were changed when a skull kid (yes that's what he's called) wielding the powerful and mysterious Majora's Mask makes the decision to bring down the moon and destroy Termina.

You can all thank this guy for trying to pass off mass destruction as a prank.

Presumably at this point, the moon somehow grew a screwed up face as it prepared to descend towards the planet.  Either that or the moon already was orbiting the planet with its face of horror; possibly it's the former explanation since the moon is being possessed by Majora's Mask.

The slowly falling moon takes center stage in Majora's Mask, where Link has three days to reverse the wickedness of the skull kid before the moon smashes into Termina.  A nice touch is that the moon is actually falling in real-time, and as the hours go by you'll notice it getting ever larger as it descends upon Clock Town (the central town in the game).  If you happen to use up all three days without saving the world, you'll be presented with a cutscene of the moon causing Armageddon.

The future isn't looking too bright.

Towards the end of the game, when Link has his final showdown with the evil powers contained in Majora's Mask, he will actually enter the moon.  Somehow the inside of the moon contains an endless grassy field with a single tree at the center of it all.  It makes no sense whatsoever, but then again all the logic in the game has pretty much fallen apart at this point, so we just have to accept it.

Apparently the moon even has its own sun orbiting around inside it.

And that wraps up pretty much everything about the evil possessed moon in Majora's Mask.  It's huge, it's scary-looking, and it wants to consume an entire planet.  Compared to this, our moon seems rather dull in comparison, don't you think?

The Ghostly Poes in Zelda: Ocarina of Time

What's Halloween without a good ghost story?  Well how about this: once upon a time in the land of Hyrule, a hero named Link encountered many ghosts on his journeys.  The ghosts are called Poes, and in this article we'll be looking at their appearances in The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time.

In Ocarina of Time, you will encounter Poes all over Hyrule, but their main haunt is the Kakariko Village graveyard.  If Link is foolish enough to start disturbing the graves by pulling back their headstones, Poes will appear and begin patrolling the graveyard.  These ghosts are all pretty similar in appearance, wearing a hood which hides all facial features except for their glowing eyes, and carrying a lantern.

Expect to find a large concentration of ghosts here.

Poes will attack Link by charging at him while spinning their lantern around.  Trying to lock on to most Poes will cause them to go invisible, eliminating any easy slingshot/bow-and-arrow attacks.  Successfully defeating these ghosts will allow you to capture their spirit, which you can then drink (gross), or sell to a Poe collector.

There are various special Poes found throughout the game, such as Big Poes who appear at specific locations in Hyrule field, which fetch a high price at the Poe Collector.  Another example are four special Poes found in the Forest Temple, which must be defeated in order to advance to the temple's boss.

A Big Poe eludes capture.

While not very scary, these ghosts add a little bit of darkness to Ocarina of Time, and they are for the most part well-placed in areas of Hyrule that should be haunted (the land does have a bloody history after all).

Gregg the Grim Reaper: A Funny Take on Death

Today let's continue our adventure into Halloween-ish gaming experiences by talking once again about Conker's Bad Fur Day.  Oddly enough, this game does have some elements that would fit in great with Halloween, despite being very humorous.

The first time you die in the game Conker is sent to the afterlife, where a gigantic hooded shadow slowly approaches him, speaking in a booming voice and claiming that Conker is dead.  However as this imposing figure steps into the light, we discover that he's a short little grim reaper speaking into a megaphone to produce the threatening voice.  The megaphone breaks as soon as the reaper becomes visible to Conker, revealing that the little guy has a hilarious squeaky voice.  And this is how we are introduced to Rare's version of Death: Gregg the Grim Reaper.

Death has never been this laughable.

Gregg's main purpose in the game is to explain how to collect extra lives, through the use of squirrel tails found throughout the levels.  According to him, as long as Conker has some tails in his inventory, he'll be "dead, but not quite" whenever he gets killed somewhere.

Besides being short (which Conker points out, but is shut up real fast thanks to a snappy reply from Gregg), another standout feature of Gregg is that he hates cats.  Multiple times he will go off on a tangent and start talking about why he can't stand them, and later on in the game Conker finds Gregg on a dock, attempting to kill (you guessed it) catfish.

Conker's conversations with Gregg are something that must be experienced, so for your enjoyment here are some videos of these encounters:

Gregg's introduction:


Gregg going fishing:


That wraps up our quick look at the non-scary grim reaper, Gregg!

Andross: The Disembodied Head from Hell

What happens when you take the 3D head of Mario from the title screen of Super Mario 64, then make it infinitely more ugly and frightening to children?  Why you get Andross from Star Fox 64 of course!

Separated at birth?

This freak final boss has been creeping us out since the days of the original Star Fox on Super Nintendo, but today we're only going to focus on his N64 incarnation.  Apparently Andross used to be a regular non-evil scientist on Corneria before (cliché alert!) he went mad with power and was banished from the planet.  What's interesting to note is that before being banished, Andross didn't have an enormous disembodied head, giving rise to questions about the nature of his experiments after leaving Corneria.  This is something that for some strange reason has always been fascinating to me, how and why did he lose the rest of his body and turn his head into the Death Star?

As if this weren't strange enough, the big bad head has two different forms you can battle, depending on the path you take through the game.  There's Robo-Andross, where you find out that the disembodied head you were fighting was just a giant robotic Andross:

Proof that Skynet has a sense of humor.

And then there's Scare-the-Hell-Out-of-Little-Kids-Andross, which is supposedly his true form: a giant floating brain with two eyeballs that can independently fly around.

Even if you were to accept that some kind of science experiment would let you live as a giant head, living as a giant talking brain with huge paddle-ball-ish eyes seems a bit far-fetched.  We were given no explanation as to how this happened, but to be honest we were all so shocked by this revelation that we probably wouldn't have listened to an explanation anyway.

On that note, I leave you to ponder what was going through the Nintendo devs' giant floating brains when they devised this final boss in Star Fox 64.