A Super Turbo Turkey Thanksgiving

Happy Thanksgiving!  Hope everyone's having a good time and getting ready for some great food.  Before you pass the mashed potatoes, how about celebrating Thanksgiving by playing a little Super Turbo Turkey Puncher 3?  Ok so this isn't an actual standalone game, it's a mini-game/Easter egg in Doom 3.  Early on in Doom 3 you come across an arcade machine containing a mini-game with Doom 1-style graphics, where you play as the original Doom Guy, punching turkeys with the brass knuckles from Doom 1.  Strange? Yes.  Addicting? Possibly.


Of course if you're not a turkey fan, you could always harass some chickens in a Zelda game.  Have fun!

Andross: The Disembodied Head from Hell

What happens when you take the 3D head of Mario from the title screen of Super Mario 64, then make it infinitely more ugly and frightening to children?  Why you get Andross from Star Fox 64 of course!

Separated at birth?

This freak final boss has been creeping us out since the days of the original Star Fox on Super Nintendo, but today we're only going to focus on his N64 incarnation.  Apparently Andross used to be a regular non-evil scientist on Corneria before (cliché alert!) he went mad with power and was banished from the planet.  What's interesting to note is that before being banished, Andross didn't have an enormous disembodied head, giving rise to questions about the nature of his experiments after leaving Corneria.  This is something that for some strange reason has always been fascinating to me, how and why did he lose the rest of his body and turn his head into the Death Star?

As if this weren't strange enough, the big bad head has two different forms you can battle, depending on the path you take through the game.  There's Robo-Andross, where you find out that the disembodied head you were fighting was just a giant robotic Andross:

Proof that Skynet has a sense of humor.

And then there's Scare-the-Hell-Out-of-Little-Kids-Andross, which is supposedly his true form: a giant floating brain with two eyeballs that can independently fly around.

Even if you were to accept that some kind of science experiment would let you live as a giant head, living as a giant talking brain with huge paddle-ball-ish eyes seems a bit far-fetched.  We were given no explanation as to how this happened, but to be honest we were all so shocked by this revelation that we probably wouldn't have listened to an explanation anyway.

On that note, I leave you to ponder what was going through the Nintendo devs' giant floating brains when they devised this final boss in Star Fox 64.

The Possible Recurring Cast of Skyward Sword (Massive Speculation)

After all this time, The Legend of Zelda: Skyward Sword is almost upon us! The first and last Wii-exclusive Zelda title (remember, Twilight Princess was also a Gamecube title) looks to send the Wii out with a bang. It is much too early to speculate what the Zelda games will be like once the franchise inevitably moves to the Wii U, seeing as we don't know much about it other than the controller looks like a giant white high-definition Sega Game Gear. However, with Skyward Sword's release just around the corner, now is the perfect time to add to the excitement by guessing what will be in this game.

In this article I wanted to speculate about which recurring characters we will see in Skyward Sword. Recurring characters are no stranger to the Zelda franchise, which of course features the same protagonist in every game. After the series' jump to 3D with Ocarina of Time, more and more characters in the Zelda universe have made an appearance in some form. Majora's Mask is an extreme case due to being set in an alternate universe to Ocarina of Time, with alternate versions of most of the Hyrule population. With that said, let's take a look at a few characters from past Zelda games, and make a wild guess if they will appear in Skyward Sword.

The Postman

We all know this guy, he was called the Running Man during his first Zelda appearance in Ocarina of Time, and since then has taken up a career in postal delivery for later Zelda games. I'd almost be willing to bet money he will show up in Skyward Sword, mainly because of how many times this guy has put in a cameo lately. Imagine the possibilities! The Postal Man with winged boots, running/flying through the clouds to deliver mostly pointless mail to Link.  Not too exciting, but maybe I just want to see the Postman run on air.

The Happy Mask Salesman

Ok I know this would probably be a stretch. We haven't seen the quick-tempered mask salesman on a non-handheld console since Majora's Mask. Presumably this is because he's the first person you see when you respawn in the clock tower, during the period when you are dangerously enraged by yet another repeated failure to save Clock Town from the evil of Miyamoto's three-day time limit. Still, we've all had over ten years to cool off and (mostly) get over our grudge against the mask salesman for making us repeat the same three days over and over in a style that Dark Tower fans will appreciate.  It would be fun to see this guy in Skyward Sword, if only for the nostalgia.

Tingle

You didn't think I'd leave Tingle off this list did you?

Admit it, before reading a single word in the opening paragraph of this article, you made a quick scroll-through to see if I was going to mention this character.  I know, I'm always getting on Tingle's case.  Why the Nintendo devs chose to include the flamboyant map-maker/creepy man-elf in so many Zelda games, we may never know. Tingle hasn't put in an appearance outside of handheld consoles since the horror known as Tingle Island in the Wind Waker, but I wouldn't be surprised if he made a triumphant return to our nightmares through Skyward Sword. I grudgingly admit that he would probably be a good fit for this game, due to the balloon he uses to float around. Can't you just picture him flying hundreds of feet above Hyrule field, slowly drifting towards Link with his balloon, blood dripping down his chin while he sings Tingle Tingle Kooloo-Limpah? Maybe he'll even make an appearance as an optional boss battle:

This concludes my quick speculation as to what Zelda characters could make a cameo appearance in Skyward Sword. What recurring characters would you guys like to see in this latest Zelda release?

The Launch of Skyrim

Happy Skyrim launch day!  Unfortunately I haven't picked up my copy yet, but I'm dying to play through.  After spending way over 200 hours in Oblivion (and still barely touching the Shivering Isles expansion), I can't wait to explore the new game world and begin treasure hunting in the caves/temples/tombs.

I came across this funny Skyrim-ish video on Youtube, I guess now we know what the game would look like with super extra low PC settings:


Have you guys picked up Skyrim yet? Or are you saving for the other big release of the year: Skyward Sword?

An Odd GTA Moment: The Heart of Liberty City

I don't know about you guys, but after seeing the trailer for Grand Theft Auto V, I'm pretty excited to return to San Andreas.  In GTA San Andreas it was awesome having three distinct cities to visit, with miles of country for you to explore in between each city.  Sure GTA IV had three areas of Liberty City to explore, but the city environment was pretty similar in each section, and to get to each area you merely had to drive across a bridge.  Sure it was still fun to roam around, but when you've walked down an alley for the thousandth time, it gets a little old.


Another thing in GTA V that I'm really hoping for is a return to the goofiness of some of the missions.  In GTA IV it seemed like every mission included driving to a warehouse, taking part in a lengthy shootout in said warehouse, then participating in a car chase (as a side note, I loathe the drive-by shooting controls).  Whatever happened to the completely crazy missions of the previous GTA games?  Whatever happened to luring a group of people to an ice cream truck by playing the truck's music, then detonating a bomb in the truck to kill them all?  Whatever happened to loading dead bodies into the back of a dump truck, then driving the truck to a lake to dump them?

GTA IV definitely went with a more "realistic" approach, but there is one thing in this game that stands out, and not only is it unrealistic, it's completely out of place.  What I'm talking about is the Easter egg known as the Heart of Liberty City.  Unbeknownst to some GTA IV players, deep within the Statue of Happiness is a gigantic beating heart.  An actual living, pumping heart that dwarfs Niko when he dares venture into the statue.  I have to admit this creeped me out a little when I found out about this; it seems more at home in a Sci-Fi game then in an open world sandbox like Grand Theft Auto.  Don't believe me?  See for yourself:


Why is there a heart inside the Statue of Happiness? Is it alive in some way?  Did a science experiment go wrong?  The game offers no explanation, so we are left to wonder.

The Disturbingly Awesome Zombies of Valve Games

Happy Halloween everyone!  What better day to play some scary games than this?  Maybe you're planning on taking a tour of the mansion in Resident Evil 1, or making your way through the fog in Silent Hill, or turning off all the lights and visiting Tingle Island in Wind Waker.

Seeing as this is the time for the rising dead, how about we take a look at some video game zombies?  Not just any zombies, but the zombies in Valve games.  This is because I find that Valve puts a little more creativity into these creepers, rather than copy-pasting the standard shuffling brain-eating undead monster.  With that said, let's start off with the Half-Life games.

Headcrab Zombies (Half-Life series)

End my suffering...release Episode 3!

Well there is definitely shuffling and brain-eating going on here, but not in the usual sense.  Headcrab zombies are the result of the inter-dimensional alien invasion that occurred in Half-Life 1.  These zombies are created when aliens called Headcrabs latch onto a person's head, bite through the skull, and then take control of said person's brain.  The result is that the host is alive and fully conscious while he is under control of the Headcrab.  The zombies come in a few forms, such as the standard Headcrab zombie pictured above, as well as the "fast" zombie (this is more of a Left 4 Dead type of zombie that can run and climb):

Note that the Headcrab probably forced the host to tear off his own skin.

And even a zombie that gives other Headcrabs a piggy-back ride:

Disturbed enough yet?  No?  Great!  Because it's time to move on to the Valve series dedicated completely to zombies, Left 4 Dead.

The Infected (Left 4 Dead series)

 Keeping with what seems to be a Valve zombie tradition, the zombies in the Left 4 Dead games are not undead.  The Infected are people who have contracted a fast spreading virus which is kind of like rabies, only much more extreme.  The Infected are alive but have lost their humanity.  They can't speak, they can't use tools or weapons, and they kill non-infected survivors by beating them down with their bare hands, all while growling and grunting like the sick beasts they have become.  The Infected can still feel pain but that doesn't stop them from charging at you even after you've shot off an arm or blown a gigantic hole in their stomach.

The most disturbing and cool zombies of the bunch are the special Infected, which are mutated forms of the regular zombies, but with their own special abilities.

For example, there's the Smoker, who has an extremely long tongue which it uses to entangle survivors and pull them to their doom:

There's also a special Infected called the Boomer, who vomits all over the survivors, which attracts huge hordes of the standard Infected:

In my opinion, the most disturbing special Infected is the Spitter, an extremely mutated Infected who coughs up burning acid which has done a number on her face:

There are plenty more special Infected in the Left 4 Dead games,and as you can see, they are all fitting to give you nightmares:

This concludes our quick look at some of the uniquely disturbing zombies in Valve games, hope this was able to contribute to the Halloween spirit!

The Rise and Fall of Handheld Console Battery Life: A Modern Tragedy

After hearing the news about the Playstation Vita's 2012 U.S. release date, I again began to debate whether this handheld is worth waiting for, or if I should just take the plunge and buy a 3DS.  Inevitably I decided to compare the reported battery lives of the two handhelds, and the results were not too satisfying.  Both the Vita and the 3DS have an approximate battery life of 3-5 hours, meaning you'll be spending a lot of time with your good friend Mr. AC Adapter.  Apparently I'm not the only one upset about this.  Whatever happened to the good old days of handheld gaming?  Remember when changing batteries in your original Gameboy seemed like a rare occurrence?

With that in mind, I decided it would be interesting to look at the battery lives of some of the more popular handheld gaming consoles over the years.   Let's graph these suckers:

Click to expand.

Well you can thank the Sega Game Gear (3 hour battery life!) for ruining my hypothesis that battery life had improved up until a certain point, after which there would be a steep drop.  But still, look at that 30 hour battery life of the Gameboy Color then compare it to the approximately 4 hours of the 3DS.  Portable gaming just isn't so portable anymore.  Until battery technology catches up with modern hardware, we will still end up tethered to a power outlet most of the time.